atomicthoughts.com

SNL Cowbell Skit

I got a fever, and the only prescription, is more cowbell!

Good sources tell me that tea steeped for 4 minutes is the optimal time to release antioxidants. It also seems to be the time that most maximizes its laxative effect.

My paystubs never make it home, mostly because I don’t really care. For the past few months I’ve been throwing them in a box of kleenex on my desk. I wonder what kind of message I’m trying to send?

Often when I come to a new realization I immediately wonder: “Is this is really a new thing, or had I just never noticed it before?”

If you haven’t read “America: The Book”, you definately have to give it a try. It’s gut busting funny. I’m looking at “America: The Calendar”, a daily calendar for my desk. On the back are some instructions, and even they’re funny:

“Step Four: Open calendar to today’s — and only today’s — entry. Seriously, if you read tomorrow’s entry you’re not only hurting yourself, but also the calendar’s feelings.”

At times like this I want to be 12 again, when being a bonehead usually involved a mixture of parental scolding, amusing your mates, and sometimes a little pain thrown in for good measure. The ones where you got hurt were usually the most amusing.

As you get older, though, bonehead moves can get bigger and grander. They start costing your time and your money. As a kid all you have is time, and it’s usually not your money. No matter the age though, you still end up amusing your mates.

Two lessons I learned tonight:

• When your mom told you not to defrost the fridge with a hammer and screwdriver, she actually had a good reason for it.

• No matter how pitiful your plight seems when you’re buying a refrigerator at WalMart at midnight, it’s probably better than the guy who pulls into the lot with his engine on fire.

I’m setting up an old PC for the kids, running Windows 98. whee! This probably isn’t a win98 problem specifically, but why the fucking fuck do I need the original CD to uninstall office 98? There are ways around it, but why do I need a way around it?

• Hot Chocolate or apple cider? Hot Chocolate

• Turkey or Ham? Ham, hands down. Preferably cold.
• Do you get a fake or real-you-cut-it-yourself Christmas tree? We’ve had a fake tree every year of my life, except for the one year we had to get a real one because my brother had burned down the fake one (and lots of other stuff)
• Decorations on the outside of your house? Not specifically against them, but didn’t get around to it this year.
• Snowball fights or sleddin’? Sledding!
• Do you enjoy going downtown shopping? Not really.
• Favorite Christmas song?  Anything sung by my kids.
• How do you feel about Christmas movies? Don’t avoid them, don’t go out of my way to see them. I didn’t see “It’s a Wonderful Life” until I was 31 though.
• When is it too early to start listening to Christmas music? Anytime before Christmas.
• Stockings before or after presents?  Before. Anything unwrapped is fair game.
• Carolers, do you or do you not watch and listen to them? Carolers only exist in movies.
• Go to someone else’s house or they come to you? None of the avoe.
• Do you read the Christmas Story? If so when?  Nope
• What do you do after presents and dinner? Head for the john so someone else can do the dishes.
• What is your favorite holiday smell? I can’t think of any specific holiday smell.
• Ice skating or walking around the mall? Sledding!
• Favorite Christmas memory? This is definately in retrospect because it drove me crazy at the time, but the insanity of preparing for everyone on Christmas Eve has a special place in my heart.
• Favorite part about winter? Sledding! Power assisted, hauling ass through a field, sledding.
• Ever been kissed under mistletoe? Yes.

(made again from the performancing extension. This thing is sweet)

I’m still a fan of sitcoms, although there aren’t a ton of them to get excited about. But “How I Met Your Mother” is consistently funny, it just hits me in the right spot. For anyone who likes the show, I highly recommend Barney’s Blog.

And if you’re not big on the show, but like 80′s hair metal, I recommend Barney’s Get Psyched mix:

1) YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME – Jonathan B. Jovi
2) THE HUMPTY DANCE – Digital Underground
3) COME SAIL AWAY – Stix
4) DON’T STOP BELIEVIN’ – Journey
5) THE TRANSFORMERS THEME SONG – O. Prime
6) YOU’RE THE BEST AROUND – Joe Esposito
7) HIGH ENOUGH – Damn Yankees
8) JESSIE’S GIRL – Rick Springfield
9) ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE – The Scorpions
10) HIP HOP HOORAY – Naughty by Nature
11) CHANGE OF HEART – Tom Petty
12) RUN AWAY – Slade

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